LAST WEEKEND WHEN DALE’S NEPHEW CAME HOME FROM SERVING HIS MISSION IN CHILE, we drove down to the burning lands of St. George for the welcome home and a luncheon get-together.

I was in a permanent state of euphoria due to the heat. That delicious, dry, skin scorching heat. The kind that makes a car into a moving oven, burns lawns, entices me to become lethargic and turns my skin a lovely shade of brown. Oh how I loved the heat.

The luncheon was fantastic, with hearty sandwiches, succulent salads, and Tang to drink. I was getting full just by looking at the buffet being laid out. It was about half way through the meal that we notice Dale’s younger brother and his new girlfriend in the kitchen, still hard at work on some secret concoction whilst everyone else is reclining back with full bellies and tightening waistbands. Upon further questioning (of family members of course. You never ask the person in question the actual question), we found out that the cute, darling, fantastic, friendly girlfriend was making everyone some fresh baked, homemade chocolate chip cookies.

Let me spell that out for you. C-O-O-K-I-E-S.

That took a lot out of me. I just gained ten pounds thinking about it.

We keep conversing about the confections and his brothers blossoming romance, his siblings and I. “Maybe he’s over there trying to get first dibs on the fresh loot,” one sibling jokes. “Looks pretty serious. I wonder if they need help picking out a ring?” another offers. This is when my dear, sweet Dale decides to interlude.

“I told him that if she’s cooking, she’s definitely a keeper”. Notice two things right here. One being he did not make eye contact with me when he said this. The other being there were no remarks as to my cooking skills, which was probably a good idea. I knew I probably shouldn’t be offended. I shouldn’t feel hurt that I’ve invested two years into this relationship and I’m not the one getting the matrimonial remarks. But Internet, I am not the type to keep my opinions and sassy remarks all to myself.

“Well, if that’s all I have to do is cook,” I spoke up, forcing him to catch my gaze, “I can go and help!”

Postnote: On the drive home, when I was feeling rather solemn and sorry for myself, I apologized to Dale for my lack of culinary arts, particularly in the Nestle Toll House department.

“That’s alright. . . because nobody can make a mean meatloaf like you”.

Satisfaction, guaranteed.

I WAS DRIVING MY USUAL ROUTE TONIGHT, and minding my own business – which normally includes loud music and driving just a titch too fast. The traffic was good, the music was better and my spirits were high.

It was then that I saw the roadblock.

In “Utard” county, wrecks are as often as gas stations, just less convenient. I grumble and downshift, hoping to not have to stop completely. But what’s this? Spot lights? Camera crew? Incident Management truck? And every patrol car in the county. I thought I was in for some serious carnage.

Ever noticed how everyone drives in slow motion past a wreck? You don’t want to look, you don’t care to see, but something in your inner workings glues your eyes to the crushed cars and strewed glass in hopes of seeing something worth wishing you hadn’t seen. I was in that moment. That moment was gone two seconds later as I grudgingly had to stop completely under a halo of glaring spotlights, surrounded on all sides by a swarm of bacon policeman.

“How you doin’ tonight?” The nicer of the surrounding officers asked me while simultaneously glancing through my dirty car. I was hoping he’d noticed the large stack of books, the empty candy wrappers and most importantly the unopened donuts.

Because who doesn’t like donuts?

“We’re doing a routine sobriety check. Have you had anything that could impair your ability to drive tonight? Any alcohol, drugs, paraphernalia, fried chicken or loose penguins?” He adds with laugh at his own joke and a final glance in the back seats. Dang it, so that’s what he’s after, some home fried KFC. Sadly, KFC is one of the only things I don’t share, seeing as it only lasts about .08 seconds before I snarf it down myself.

Being the witty genius that I am, the only word I could spit out was an all-too-chipper, “Nope!”. Nice one.

“Alright, as long as you don’t have any loose penguins I guess you’re free to go,” he remarked and waved me on my way. I locked eyes for one last moment with a huge German Shepard drug dog and hit the gas a little harder, before I could let slip that they need to check the officer and not the cars, if he is seeing flightless birds and all.

And those darn penguins are all on the loose. Lord help us all.

I DO THIS THING SOMETIMES – most times – where I compare everything to the year of 1985.

I don’t know why I do this.

Is there some significance to that year? Because newsflash self, I was born in 1989. Clearly four years later. But that doesn’t stop me, I compare everything to 1985, specifically bad music, famous people, things from the “Stone Age”, and everything and anything to do with the Grams.

So happy (one day late) Birthday Grams, who is Eighty now, and the proud owner of the electronic poker game I refer to as Old Game Circa 1985.

Here is Gram’s, ROCKING her party hat. More like, Machelle dropped it on her head and I took the picture faster than she could smack us.

Now just so I don’t look completely unedumucated, here’s what really did happen in the year 1985. I can’t stop saying it. 1985. 1985. 1985. Gotta say the whole thing, because ‘85 just ain’t doing it. Moving on, the facts.

The Good:
1 gallon of gas $1.09
Movie Ticket $2.75
US Postage Stamp 22 cents
Bacon per pound $1.65
The first Mobile Phone Call Is Made in the UK by Ernie Wise

The Bad:
TWA Flight 847 is hijacked by Hezbollah. on June 14th
Volcanic Eruption in Columbia kills 25,000
8.1 Richter scale earthquake strikes Mexico City. More than 9,000 people are killed,
The Unabomber kills his first victim
Boeing 747 Flight 123 crashes into Mount Osutaka, Japan

And most importantly, the Technology. I’m hoping it consists of mini megapixel games so I can prove that I was right:
# The Food and Drug Administration approves a blood test for AIDS,
The first .Com domain name, symbolics.com, is registered by the Symbolics corporation. However, .edu domains, for educational institutions, still predominate over the commercial .com ones
Microsoft Corporation releases the first version of Windows, Windows 1.0.
Compact Discs are introduced to American Consumers
British Scientists discover a whole in the earths Ozone Layer

Let me get this straight – gas and bacon were cheap, MIcrosoft debuted and oh the CDs! Most importantly, .COM WAS INVENTED. Suddenly saying “from 1985″ just got cooler.

I HAVE THE STRANGEST CONVERSATIONS SOMETIMES, where I start out talking to someone about work and end up talking about spitting llamas.

Did you know llamas spit? I don’t just mean drool like a rouge calf. I mean S-P-I-T. Hocking a loogie. Hiss, spatter, spew, and spritz. And even worse, they can aim.

It all started with the Festival of Colors, a local tradition at the Sri Sri Radha Krishna Temple of throwing colored flower everywhere to celebrate the arrival of spring. We weren’t aware that the Festival had started, but Machelle, Mom and I realized there were cars everywhere. We pulled over, found a place to park and wound our way up the hill to the Temple. The real question was, how do we get in? We thought we were going the right way, that was, until Machelle turned around and was face to face with the sweetest, biggest brown eyes you ever did see. They were rimmed with long lashes, a sweet face and a bright pink tongue, giving her the once over that is common in young creatures.

A llama, in this case, is no exception when it comes to being smarter than it appears. They are very bright animals, and are used to guard flocks of sheep against coyotes and other predators. Don’t mess with Tina. (Please someone tell me you know who Tina the llama is).

But this was no Tina, this was too sweet, too young to be able to do anything. “Awwuh, look at the little guy,” we all gushed. Our moment of maternal appreciation was cut short when we heard the stomping of hooves and a very loud snort. Mama Tina had just come roaring on up, and was demanding to know why we had kidnapped her baby. And this bugger was persistent. There was no Shoo Shooing him away. We turned to politely take our leave, and were faced with a brick wall of llamas.

HUNDREDS OF THEM.

I understand that’s an overstatement, but let me tell you, when you have a pack of thirty llamas all giving you the stink eye and making hacking noises to gather some spit . . .it sure feels like hundreds. There was simply no way past, and the then-cute baby was now the annoying little brat that wouldn’t take a hint. Anyone ever seen The Emperor’s New Groove? It was about like that. We were horrified. Frozen.

But we had to live through this. This could not be how I would die. I would not, could not allow myself to be stomped to death by some deranged, long neck goat. No. So together, we joined forces, and forced our way through the wall of fur to the other side.

The trick it seems, is to be tougher than the llama.

So next time, we were prepared. We were visiting some oddity of a farm a few towns over. They had everything from emus, to ostridges, antelope to wallabies. They also had two llamas that were standing just on the other side of a chain link fence. One llama was friendly and allowed us to feed it some grass. The other llama started that familiar stink eye look, chewed it’s cheeks for saliva production, and began to grumble.

Machelle took the assertive this time, and right as the offended llama went to aim – right when he threw his head forward, tightened his neck muscles and started to open it’s mouth to spit – Machelle did something amazing, and spit on the llama first. The llama was so offended that it huffed and walked away.

I’m telling you man, those llamas are vicious.

“YOU LOOK LIKE THAT ONE GIRL,”is a common thing that I’m told nowadays. “That one girl from that one show where her and her mom are crazy and they talk really really fast. You remember, that one.”

Well, if you’re lost, that girl is Alexis Bledel, from Gilmore Girls. She’s the only celebrity that I get told I look even remotely like, but I’ll take that as a huge compliment. I love her. She’s quirky, witty, quick and beautiful and I honestly can’t think of anyone (bar Rachel McAdams) that I’d love to be compared to.

So just for fun, I uploaded this photo of me to see which celebrities I’d look like…and what do you know – Alexis Bledel, first result. I was right about something else though, remember when I said I look like Kate Beckinsale?

I called that one.

THIS IS THE COLLECTION of recovery tools I was given on Monday.

It entails a two page long care list.

Many pill bottles.

An even bigger bottle of not-so-delicious mouthwash.

And THIS thing, which is use to clean out the holes with saltwater. I think it reminds me too much of a needle, but I’ve faithfully kept up on care, cleaning, and most important (and hardest for me) rest.

But the truth of what really makes me feel better?

You got it.

DAY FOUR OF FACEWATCH and this is the result.

My face is still swollen with no sign of slowing down. The thickness has gone out of the left side a little bit and moved over to the right.

This is my best smile.

It doesn’t disguise the fact that complete strangers feel the need to stop me and ask “Did you get your wisdom teeth out?” while they are cupping the right side my face. “You have a bruise right there, did you know? And it’s just going to get worse before it gets better”.

I liken this reaction to the similar “Does it hurt?” while digging your finger into someone’s eye socket. For future reference, World, if you have to ask if it hurts, chances are YES it does, and NO I do not need you to touch it.

THIS IS THE FINAL INSTALLMENT of the questions.

Lil’ A’s Questions (also known as Aspen, Pugsy, Cutie Pie or Trouble Maker):

I want to know who your favorite sister is. If it’s my mom I want to know why.
I have three favorite sisters. You’re mom is one of them, because she brings me Thelmas, goes to gardening classes with me, takes me on sweet vacations and puts up with my day to day whining. Plus she had you, Lil A, and you’re my fav!!
What are you getting Aunt Sam for her birthday?
I got her a bath set, a cute glass bird, and some free Best Aunt offers – which you will also be getting, because I’m cheap like that.
When are you going to get married?
Please refer to this post. Basicallly, I’m not getting married until you’re old enough to be my flower girl.
Am I your favorite Niece?
Um, is that even a question? You’re a doll!

Now that I’ve satisfied Aspens curiosity, here is Marci’s answers:
1. Has anyone ever thrown a surprise party for you?
Probably when I was little. I’m a hard person to plan for, since I always have something planned to do every day.
2. Have you ever been in a fist fight?
Only once, when I was younger. My best friend (who was a guy) threw a rotten robins egg at me, and I told him if he didn’t knock it off I’d knock him into next week. Well…he didn’t believe me so I had to keep my word. I threw him up against a fence, and punched the daylights out of him. I haven’t beat anyone else up since then.
3. Have you ever been on TV?
Nope.
4. Have you ever broken up with someone?
Lots of times. I’m usually the one that decides if it’s over or not.
5. Have you ever called your boyfriend by the wrong name?
Thankfully no.
6. Have you ever cried in public and embarrassed yourself?
No. I’m not a good crier. I can’t cry in front of people, so I guess that’s a good thing.
7. Have you ever dated a relative by accident?
Ewwww. And no. No no no.
8. Have you ever fallen in love at first sight?
Yes, but I swore he was married, and I was about to ask him “so where’s your wife?”. Turns out the guy was Dale, and he’s not married.
9. Have you ever met a celebrity?
I once stood next to Donnie Osmond in the Provo Mall. Does that count? No? Okay. I’ve met my favorite author last year, Anita Stansfield.
10. Have you ever received a present that you really hated? What was it?
I’m easy to buy for. As long as someone gives me something from the heart I’m happy with it and I’m grateful. The only time I don’t like a present is when someone regifts and doesn’t tell me, but I find out anyway.
11. Have you ever regretted saying I love you?
Yes, when I’d say that just to placate my exes when I didn’t really love them.
12. Have you ever swam in the ocean?
Negative. I’ve never seen the ocean.
13. Have you ever told a big lie to someone you love?
I think at some point, we all have.
14. Have you ever laughed until tears came from your eyes?
Definitely. This is usually accompanied by a pig like snort if I’m not careful.
15. Have you ever fallen asleep while talking on the phone?
A few times back in high school.
16. Have you ever had an electricity blackout while taking a shower?
Yes, and I screamed like the dickens.
17. Have you ever picked you’re nose in public?
Not that I can recall…but probably.
18. Have you ever milked a cow?
Nope!
19. Have you ever hitchhiked?
I’m too chicken.
20. Have you ever fainted?
Nope.
21. Have you ever saved a piece of chewed chewing gum and started chewing it again later?
Siiick, and no. I’m a germaphobe.
22. Have you ever asked a woman when she was “due” and she wasn’t even pregnant?
Nope but I’ve seen it happen and it’s sad.
23. Do you have any bad habits?
Sticking my tongue out, repeatedly pulling my shirts down, and always leaving the last bite of food uneaten.
24. Do you cut people off in the middle of their stories and conversations?
I try not to, unless I know it’s something that I won’t remember to tell them later.
25. What bad habits bother you the most?
Nail biting, when people bicker without changing their own circumstances, and when someone says they’ll do something and it never gets done.
26. Has someone ever spread a rumor about you?
Usually I make friends with everyone. For some reason, there was a group of girls in high school that started a rumor and all 12 of them were going to beat me up for it but they never followed through. I never did figure out what the rumor was.
27. Have you ever told a rumor that got someone in trouble?
Nope. Other than blaming the dog for items that have gone missing, that I secretly stole.
28. If you discovered that someone had been gossiping about you, would you confront them?
It depends. I really don’t care what people say or think about me, so it doesn’t bug me if people form their own opinions. If they brought it up to my face, then I might correct them if their facts were wrong.
29. Would you ever consider getting plastic surgery?
No. I’m happy with the way I look and I believe that we are made to be the way we are. We all have days where we think “I wish I had her nose, her plump lips, those skinnier legs” but I think we need to look at ourselves and see the positive as what makes us individuals.
30. Would you ever go skinny dipping?
I have before, but it was dark. And cold. And I tripped and fell and decided never to do that again.
31. Would you ever “take a bullet” for someone else?
Literally? Yes. Figuratively? Yes.
32. Would you ever walk downtown without any shoes on your feet?
No. My feet are very sensitive and I hate being barefoot, even on grass.
33. Would you eat a live cricket for $500? If not, how much would it take?
You couldn’t pay me enough. I won’t even eat brocoli or pickles for money. A live bug? Not a chance.
34. Would you ever donate an organ in order to save other person’s life?
I’d love to – a kidney, a lung, part of my liver, blood, bone marrow. I love helping people out and making them feel better. If giving of myself would fufill that, it would be worth it.
35. Would you ever consider writing your own book?
I think about that every day.
36. Does it annoy you when someone knows everything better than you and says so?
I guess I don’t understand this question really…I don’t think someone knows “everything” better than someone. Everyone has their own strengths and weaknesses when it comes to knowledge. I would be willing to learn from both my weaknesses and their weaknesses, as well as my strengths and their strengths.

On that same note, if someone says they know “everything better” than someone, it sounds really immature, like they think too highly of themselves, and I’d probably just laugh instead of getting annoyed.
37. Does it make you angry when motorists drive too closely behind you? And what do you do to make them back off?
I hate tailgaters. They could kill themselves, you, and everyone in both vehicles by riding too close. If they are tailgating for no reason at all (if they have room to move over, go around, slow down, etc but they choose not to) I’ll tap my breaks and if that doesn’t work, I’ll turn on the windshield wiper fluid.
38. What is your biggest fear in life? Are you afraid that it might come true?
My biggest fear is…failure. I’m not worried about it coming true, because you have to fail to succeed and as long as I keep trying I’ll get to where I want to be in life some day.
39. What was the most frightening experience you’ve had?
When my sister dropped our chihuahua and he broke his two front legs. It was horrifying.
40. Have you overcome any of your fears?
Yes. It’s a continual process, but I’ve overcome my picky eating habits, swearing, drinking so much caffeine, and I’ve become better at arriving on time. I’ve overcome public speaking to a degree, and also learned to talk about my feelings, which was a hard one for me.

I WAS SITTING IN SURGERY, electrodes strapped to my chest, listening to my strong steady heartbeat and wondering what would come next. What about this would I remember? The tightening elastic tourniquet on my arm where they placed the IV? The vibrant pink safety glasses the assistant was wearing? Would I know where I was when I woke up?

As I though this, I became aware of a painful prick in my arm where the needle was being placed. They put oxygen over my nose, completely covered my face with warm towels and told me I’d just go to sleep. The next thing I knew, I was awake. Groggy, but aware of what was going on around me. The tools had all been cleaned up and hidden, the doctor was gone and there was only a nurse in the room. I glanced to the corner and found my mother sitting there waiting. I smiled at her, remembering back to the time I had my tonsils out and couldn’t keep myself awake. Not this time, I thought to myself. I started feeling the drugs pull me back under and shook myself awake. “Sorry,” I mumbled to the room in general.

I don’t remember being put in the wheelchair.

I hardly remember climbing into mom’s car for the home. I fell asleep after being dropped off at home, and woke up to her giving me my pills. I had a good cry about nothing and drifted off again.

Now I’m awake, and answering questions.

Dustyn’s Questions:

Did you have any wierd thoughts or hallucinations while go under or coming out of your fun time in the chair?
The only thing I remember is the pain of the IV, and the fact that I was sleepy. There was no countdown to 100, no warning, just a sudden blackout. Thankfully it was peaceful, I didn’t wake up mid surgery and I don’t think I had a weird dream. Everything afterwards was kind of slow motion, like I was watching things through a lens. I could hear what people say, hear what I would respond but I couldn’t change anything. It was like life on Replay. Completely weird.
What was your last dream?
One where I was late for a family function because of my mouth not healing. I have odd dreams that I hardly remember.
Most embarrassing moment?
Ever? I have way too many. Just to name one: It was my first day of high school, and I had elected to take German. The classroom was scary, dingy and dark. The teacher was loud, boisterous, and obviously not the type to just leave a scared freshmen alone. He was teaching us our first word, right off the bat: hell.

You see, hell in German means light. To properly pronounce it, you say Hell-ah. He chose me to say it first, and what did I say? You guessed it. HELL. Not light. Hell.
Whats the best part of your job? and the worst?
I like to put the worst first and save the best for last! The worst part is when I’m frustrated and have a mental block when learning something new. The best part of my job is when I hit a goal, or achieve something.

So there you have it, there is my account of the surgery itself, and what was going through my head. Thanks for the questions Dustyn!