Bird Watch
I WAS DRIVING MY USUAL ROUTE TONIGHT, and minding my own business – which normally includes loud music and driving just a titch too fast. The traffic was good, the music was better and my spirits were high.
It was then that I saw the roadblock.
In “Utard” county, wrecks are as often as gas stations, just less convenient. I grumble and downshift, hoping to not have to stop completely. But what’s this? Spot lights? Camera crew? Incident Management truck? And every patrol car in the county. I thought I was in for some serious carnage.
Ever noticed how everyone drives in slow motion past a wreck? You don’t want to look, you don’t care to see, but something in your inner workings glues your eyes to the crushed cars and strewed glass in hopes of seeing something worth wishing you hadn’t seen. I was in that moment. That moment was gone two seconds later as I grudgingly had to stop completely under a halo of glaring spotlights, surrounded on all sides by a swarm of bacon policeman.
“How you doin’ tonight?” The nicer of the surrounding officers asked me while simultaneously glancing through my dirty car. I was hoping he’d noticed the large stack of books, the empty candy wrappers and most importantly the unopened donuts.
Because who doesn’t like donuts?
“We’re doing a routine sobriety check. Have you had anything that could impair your ability to drive tonight? Any alcohol, drugs, paraphernalia, fried chicken or loose penguins?” He adds with laugh at his own joke and a final glance in the back seats. Dang it, so that’s what he’s after, some home fried KFC. Sadly, KFC is one of the only things I don’t share, seeing as it only lasts about .08 seconds before I snarf it down myself.
Being the witty genius that I am, the only word I could spit out was an all-too-chipper, “Nope!”. Nice one.
“Alright, as long as you don’t have any loose penguins I guess you’re free to go,” he remarked and waved me on my way. I locked eyes for one last moment with a huge German Shepard drug dog and hit the gas a little harder, before I could let slip that they need to check the officer and not the cars, if he is seeing flightless birds and all.
And those darn penguins are all on the loose. Lord help us all.
i have heard about them doing those stops but have never SEEN them do them here in SL county.
“…in hopes of seeing something worth wishing you hadn’t seen.”
Okay, I’m wishing I had thought of this line first. This describes these Utah County Rubberneckers perfectly.
Have you had anything that would impair your ability to drive? Do they
really expect anyone to answer “yes” to that?!! Reminds me of the time
[MANY years ago], that a cop stopped me for speeding on 300 South in
Provo. It was dark and I was headed to my mom’s to put some deer meat
in her freezer, that Jim had killed and packaged up. He shined the
flash light in the back seat and had me explain the packages of meat
in the box. He saw baby Mark lying on the front seat [legal in those
days] and proceeded to give me a ticket. [for speeding]. I showed up
at court, as instructed, and the judge asked me where my parents were.
I was a teen at the time. I told him I was married, but I could go get
my father, next door, beings he was on the job as a policeman. The judge
said no, and let me go with a fine [can't remember how much].
man, you really have to watch out for those penguins in Utah county!