Cheese and Corrupted Innocence

IT STARTED HARMLESSLY ENOUGH. I was driving, my phone buzzed, and Kevin reached for it.

“It’s Ash. She says she’s going to the cheese factory in Logan and wants to know if you want anything.”

“No I’m good. Grams might want some cheese curd but I just bought her some. Text her and tell her no but thanks for the offer.”

“I’m going to text her to get some Fumunda cheese.”

READER.

Do you know what Fumunda cheese is?

This is your warning to leave if either:

1) You don’t know what Fumunda cheese is and you don’t care to find out

or

2) You know what Fumunda cheese is and you are easily offended at the mention of it.

Okay. I’ll explain.

Fumunda cheese is, well. . .it’s a slang term from a joke that goes like this, “Would you like some Fumunda cheese?” and the person says, “Fumunda what?” and you reply, “Fumunda the crack of my butt!”

(Or I guess if you want a more graphic description of Fumunda cheese you could always look it up on Urban Dictionary. It’s funny, and just kind of wrong. But so funny.)

I’m no stranger to these types of jokes. Heck, I grew up with my other sister that made inapropriate phone calls to KFC.

So when Kevin texted Ashley that from my phone, I didn’t think she’d fall for it.

Turns out, she did.

“How do you pronounce it?” She texted back.

“Fun-unda. Just with an M. You might have to ask for it,” Kevin replied. At this point we couldn’t stop laughing and Kevin wouldn’t give me my phone back.

“LOL Okay.” was the response he got back.

I started reaching for my phone to text Ashley hints or to explain. “You can’t tell her! You’ll ruin it. Just see if she does it. She hit my car (hush hush, she just bumped it with her license plate, everything’s fine). She owes me one.” Kevin was pretty insistent, and hey, FINE I’ll admit I thought it would be pretty funny. I was trying to picture it. How would she say it? “Do you have any Fumunda cheese?” or “Where is your Fumunda?” or “I’m trying to find Fumunda cheese but I don’t see it anywhere.”

I waited three hours before I got a text from Ashley. “Do the words chocolate pocket mean anything to you?” Upon asking Kevin, we determined she was calling me a butthole.

Rude.

I sent her, “So I’m assuming they don’t have my cheese?” and she replied, “Haven’t even gotten there yet. Jake put a handful of chocolate in his pocket and it melted. He thinks it’s funny. Chocolate pocket.”

We were still in the clear, and I had to wait an hour more before I get this gem.

“Um if you set me up I will kick your this word has been removed by author. Niel says it means crotch and the workers had no idea what I was asking!”

I immediately called Ashley and had the funniest conversation in my life.

Niel was still too upset to really talk, so she wanted to know exactly what Fumunda was.

OH MY WORD YA’LL. Kevin got my sister to innocently ask a cheese factory worker if they had Fumunda cheese.

“Fumunda. . .” laugh, laugh laugh, “the crack”, snicker, “of yo’ . . .” and that’s all I managed before I collapsed on the floor in a heap. I couldn’t breathe for the tears streaming down my face and the stitch in my side was becoming painful. I could hear Ash gasping for air on the other side of the phone, Niel streaming curses and mutters in the background.

They came over later and she relayed the whole story. Mind you, the entire time she told the story we were both in fits of laughter while Niel sat on the other couch, shooting daggers at us. “I looked around the store and couldn’t find it anywhere, so I asked the old lady up front, ‘Do you have any Fumunda cheese?’ She hadn’t heard of it and asked if I had checked the exotic cheese isle. I said I had, so she called another worker, about nineteen years old over and had me repeat the question. The girl got a blank look on her face, and said, ‘Yea I’ve heard of it and no we definitely don’t have it’. All the while Niel was pissy so we went outside, turns out he thought it meant something to do with the crotch area and he was so embarrassed that I’d asked for that! I think I’m going to pee my pants, that was so funny. The best part was I was completely innocent! I had no idea what I was asking for!!!”

Niel may never recover from being severely mortified and embarrassed by the whole thing, but I’m okay with that. Ash sent me a text when she left. “Thanks for the best laugh I’ve ever had”.

All that I can say is that I’m sure one day she’ll get even. We always do!

UPDATE: This was Ashley’s Facebook status last night.

“Gas for our road trip $45.00, amount Niel spent on cheese $83.00, innocently asking the cashier if they sold Fumunda cheese….priceless. Sorry Aubrey, I honestly thought this was a cheese when I offered to get you something and this was your joking request. This is the most embarrassing thing I have EVER done.”