Me and my homies…at least they were my homies before I posted these photos.

Dad (to Grams): Here you go, I picked up up those bananas you wanted. The manager said that due to the earthquake in Chile these are the only shipment they could get in.

Grams: Thank you!

Dad: Oh wait I forgot something. (Goes to his car, comes back in with real bananas). Here you go, I was just kidding about those other bananas. (Leaves laughing).

Grams: I knew he was just trying to prank me.

Me (rolling in the floor in laughter): Grams! You had no idea! You believed him! Don’t even try to say you didn’t.

Grams: Oh I knew – once he said they were from Chile. We don’t get our bananas from Chile, we get them from Mexico.

Me: Sure, sure.

Grams: I wonder if they taste different?

Kevin: (Grabs one, snarfs it down). Nope. Just like normal bananas.

Grams: Not normal bananas. Those are Aubrey-sized bananas.

TODAY I DECIDED THAT ENOUGH WAS ENOUGH. I was sick and tired of being sick and tired. I was tired of getting up an hour after my alarm goes off. Tired of rushing late out the door. Tired of clothes that don’t fit right (so that’s how that feels), tired of fast food and feeling grumpy, and tired of songs that I’ve listened to one too many times.

I didn’t know what I could do about it. It seemed like my focus was constantly pulling me in two directions. I was always thinking of what I needed to be doing, yet when I was doing what needed to be done, I was dreaming of what I wanted to be doing, and vice-versa.

It got to be pretty darn confusing, and pretty darn frustrating.

But instead of pulling my hair out, I dyed it.

Because like that isn’t a huge decision that comes complete with a side of panic attacks and it’s own subscription to This is What Your Hair Should Look Like But You Know It Won’t magazine. But like the professional I am, I took my phone with me and I documented the event regardless of any hesitation. Only for you Internet, only for you. I was a bit worried when the stylist said stuff about putting more “violet” in it this time, since I hadn’t been there in over 11 months and I was just sure she couldn’t remember me, but somehow, miraculously, she really did.

I’d give five bucks and my first born child to have her memory.

Random tangent: I feel bad for whoever my first kid is because I’ve traded them for a lot of monetary things. I always say I’ll give five bucks and my first-born child for that grilled cheese or I’m dying for a Sonic slushie. I’d pretty much give five bucks and my first-born child for one or I bet you five bucks and my first-born that Justin Bieber is really young black kid (I was wrong on this one, but dang, I was spot-on about him not being over puberty. I CALLED THAT ONE). Just giving my first-born, my baby, the fruit of my loins would be enough, as if I’d even need to throw in the five bucks, but hey! Bonus!

Sorry future child.

Momma loves ya.

But I love this meal more.

So Jenny, my hairstylist is sitting there chatting to me as she dyes my hair, and somehow she talks me into bangs again (that she didn’t charge me for) and I realize why I came back here. That woman is good for anyone’s self confidence. It felt good to socialize, talk about something different than what I was used to, forget about work and home stress and just let myself be pampered.

And I won’t lie. It felt good having someone else wash my hair for a change. I don’t know what they use but it smells amazing. I’m planning on not washing my hair for four days.

Five if I’m lucky and don’t let anyone come too close.

Don’t judge me. You know you wear your jeans just as long as that before washing them.

Don’t you?

As if all that wasn’t great enough, I walked out to my car afterwords and found Kevin had left these flowers on the hood of my car, and broke into my house to start making my favorite dinner.

Here is what I looked like before the chemicals that’ll probably fry my brain transformation:

I look happy, but I’m hurting on the inside. Real bad.

My lips hurt real bad.

Sorry. Random Napoleon Dynamite quote that nobody remembers or understands.

I now give you the after:

And no.

It’s not black.

It may look black. Just like I look like I’m paying attention to you when all I’m really thinking about is one of those slushies… but hey! At least I don’t look almost naked like I did in this photo! Woo!!

Moral of the story is this,

Be selfish. DO SOMETHING FOR YOURSELF because as my friend Jessica puts it, “you can’t make anyone happy if you’re not happy with yourself”.

So it’s not exactly wordless. But to make up for yesterday’s gross post I figured I’d show you a photo of Kevin’s new niece, Madyson.

And I’ll tell you all about her soon.

Just as soon as I can stop begging Lindsay to let me hold her.

WE STAYED IN VEGAS ON THE WAY DOWN TO SAN DIEGO. Well, since we’re in Utah, a more accurate description would be, “we stayed in Vegas on the way over“ but who cares about being politically correct? I was too busy trying to figure out how to get the display on the radio to stop changing colors like a bad disco light. Took us a good half hour but we finally fixed it to just stay on one color.

Sue stayed at the hotel and had a nice hot bath while Kevin and I wandered the Strip for a few hours. Mind you, we’re both too young to gamble, drink or rent strippers (just kidding, but I do have a good story to tell about that later) so we basically just laughed at all the drunks walking around holding empty bottles of Jack Daniels people watch. We’d only been dating for a month at the time so we were both still pretty shy. Which means I didn’t beg him to go to Mandalay Bay to look at the fishies like I wanted. However, I did beg him to go to the MGM – possibly a mile walk from our hotel – so we could see the lions.

AND WE DIDN’T SEE THEM. Shoulda stuck to the fishies.

He took his camera out since I was too shy/nervous/scared to take mine so I left it at the hotel. Some scenery and photos he took:

We went in a mall and found pretty ceilings, a pretty tree

And Paul Blart!

Then we took some photos of us and wandered around for a bit. This could just be the worst, greasiest photo of us ever. Well, of me anyway.

This one is not so bad. Matter of fact, I kind of like it.

Eventually we find the M&M World Store and peruse the shelves. Kevin makes me hug this M&M who, “looks like he’s saying, ‘Mmmm chocolate’ after sniffing his finger”.

I did not make that up.

Then he decides we need some chocolate and Peanut Butter M&M’s sound quite good, so we go straight to the back to this gem.

That sweet, sweet wall of candy that would fulfill even Willy Wonka’s every dream.

And apparently I look like the devil.

Don’t mind me.

Kevin grabs a bag and fills it chock full of Peanut Butter M&M’s. I mean, STUFFED TO THE TOP THEY ARE POURING OUT EVERYWHERE type of full.

“Erm you might want to ditch some. That’s a bit much.” I advised. And rightfully so. Here is where the funniest part of the night happens. He dumps half of them out and takes them to the cashier. She weighs them and without missing a beat demands $10 for them.

TEN DOLLARS FOR A BAG OF NORMAL M&M’S.

100 DIMES.

1,000 PENNIES.

You get my drift. Kevin looks at her in confusion, looks at me and then looks down at his wallet and I lost it. I had to go walk around the corner, put my head beneath my knees and try not to cry from laughing so hard. I don’t think I’ll ever see anything funnier in my life. “I spent a lot of money on these, treasure them,” he whispers to me as I snatch the bag away from him. Now everytime we see M&M’s we laugh like idiots.

On the way back to our room we saw a fifty-ish year old man making fun of the “card flippers”. You know the type. The type that lean across you and try to hand your man a card with a photo-shopped girl and a 1-800 phone number at the top that says, “call me, will arrive in less than 20 minutes”. One of the card flippers went a bit too far when he said, “Hey! You need a woman!” to Kevin, who replied, “I’ve already got one, thanks.”

We were almost to the doors of our hotel when we hear him yell above the dingy crowd, “Why have only one? You need TWO women in your bed tonight!!”

Oh Vegas. How you never cease to amuse me.

YES. THIS IS HAPPENING. I’M BLOGGING ABOUT A VACATION I TOOK THREE MONTHS AGO. Procrastination doesn’t quite cover it. More like procrastination with a side of selfishness because I’d been saving these memories for me and reviewing them in my mind when rainy days hit. It’s not that I didn’t want to tell the stories to you, it’s that I was too lazy to upload 1,000 photos to Flickr and then this blog, and I felt if I tried to describe things with words I would taint the memory. But I’ve decided to kick myself in the pants and just post. So if the next few posts seem photo-heavy, long-winded and mushy, I ask for your forgiveness in advance.  Thank you.

Back in November Kevin’s mom Susan invited us to drive to San Diego, California with her to visit her friend named Kim (more on Kim later). We were more than happy to go with her. However, it seems like you can’t plan a vacation without at least 2,453 things go wrong and when it rains it pours. I had an English paper due right when we were supposed to leave (A seven page paper with citations that I still hadn’t written. Remember when I used to be a college student? Fun times), and two math tests along with chapter homework to turn in immediately when we got back. I was a bit stressed, and Kevin’s continual “your day is going to get much better, trust me” reminders weren’t really helping. I was in a no-good-so-sad-pity-me mood where I wanted to sit and sulk all day.

So imagine my surprise when Melissa, the secretary at my work, comes walking up to me asking my name. I grunted a “hmmm” at her without really looking. “These are for you” she said and placed an armful of flowers on my desk. It was HUGE. The biggest floral arrangement I’ve seen – let alone received – in my life. I questioned it for a moment before she told me, “you are the only Aubrey here, right?” then she laughed and walked away.

And I laughed. And blushed. And blast him, he was right. My day had gotten better against my will.

And I was perfectly okay with that.

What was funny was the reaction the flowers got for the three days they lived on my desk. With this stunt, Kevin became the most loved, popular boyfriend of any employee at my company. We have a large female population there so naturally this was hot gossip material.

And envy material.

Yes. There was lots of envy.

I had girls clear from Marketing coming to me to see my flowers. We all tried to choose a favorite part of the arrangement.

These were my favorites.

Or was it these?

No it was definitely these.

But wait, there’s a white and pink one.

I give up. It’s ALL pretty.

But my favorite part? The fact that he cared. He cared enough about my stressful day that he decided to get me flowers. And not just that, he had them hand delivered to my desk. My desk in front of all my coworkers so everyone could see that I was loved and I was cared for.

And yes.

I still have the vase and the pink ribbon.

CAN I TELL YOU A SECRET?

You won’t tell?

Promise?

I got off work and had plans with Ashley. When I realized I was planning on being there hours ahead of time, I decided to do something I never do and, well, I. . .I went somewhere by myself.

WITHOUT TELLING ANYBODY.

I don’t know why I have that quirk – but I always tend to tell everybody where I’m going, at all times. Maybe it’s a trait my subconscious picked up when it realized I was directionally retarded, a safe-guard to make it so people could locate me when I’m stuck at the corner of Where the Crap is This and I’m Screwed. Because I pretty much feel that way when I even think about breaking down. I think the world is going to end and thank heavens my father made me put that 72 hour kit in my car and I’m grateful I never returned mom’s tent and sleeping bag because I’m all the sudden homeless.

(Breathe, it’s okay.)

But today I did it. I went somewhere far, far away without telling a single soul. Kind of like a date with myself, I planned on where I’d go, what I’d eat and what I’d do. And I stressed for .02 of a second about what I should wear before I realized I was already wearing it and couldn’t impress myself if I tried, and thanks to lasik I didn’t have to fuss with any makeup either.

I took photos on the drive and kept wondering why my photos were more blue on the camera than what I was seeing, and then I realized I was viewing life through rose-colored lenses.

No really.

I was.

Sidenote: Kevin bought me that necklace for Christmas and I haven’t taken it off since then because I love it and it reminds me of him.

There was the most beautiful sunset going on.

So beautiful that I almost skipped eating at my favorite place just so I could pull over and watch it. But Two Jacks Pizza called (okay, okay. I called them and ordered ahead so I could take it in my car with me, so nobody would see me eating all that food by myself and think I was a pig. Happy?).

And then I just drove, speeding on back roads with my hand out the window, screaming songs at the top of my lungs and wondering why I felt like the worlds greatest criminal. You’d think I’d done something illegal with all the adrenaline I had rushing through me at that moment. It was pure bliss.

It had been way too long since I’d just watched the sky be painted.

And twilight fall.

And night descend on the mountains I call home.

I drove until I found myself at Lincoln Beach boat harbor.

Then I snarfed my food and started taking photos. The lake was completely frozen but I was too chicken to walk out on it or even leave the warmth of my car.

But I was thinking of something tonight.

I’m used to being alone. For as long as I could remember, I’d take “me” time, where I’d turn off my phone and do whatever I pleased for a night. It usually involved strawberry frappachinos, bookstores, and countless hours at my moms house. I’d go visit my sister in Nephi all the time just for the excuse to have an hour to myself during the drive. But for the first time, being alone wasn’t fun. It wasn’t liberating, exhilirating, or exciting.

It was downright lonely.

I’m spoiled. Ever since I met Kevin, we’ve never spent a day – much less more than 12 hours – apart. That means for over 100 straight days, we’ve been constant companions, partners in crime going to auto shows for him and zoos for me. We always get asked if we get sick of each other, if we fight or need time alone. Trust me, I know what that point feels like, where after the first few hours with someone you want to pull out your hair and throw frying pans at their heads, and where I start daydreaming about my next break, my next “me” time.

We’ve never, ever hit that point (although I’m not naive enough to think that it couldn’t happen, but if it does we’ll cross that bridge when we get to it). Not when we first met and stayed up on IM until the early morning, not when we went to California and I was with him for five days straight. Not when we both have to drive to see each other even though we live four towns apart. He is my boyfriend, yes. But he is so much more than that. He is my best friend, my closest friend. He’s the one I turn to when I’m sad and the one who takes care of me when I’m sick. He does everything he can for me and still keeps trying to find a way to do more. He’s the only one I’ve ever believed when he tells me that I’m beautiful. He opens my door for me, texts me goodnight and surprises me by sending flowers to my work.

Essentially he is the epitome of what every girl dreams of dating when they’re little, and I’m lucky enough to have him.

And then I noticed something else.

A light.

A bright gold speck of dust on the other side of the lake that reminded me that’s where he’s at right now. A lake away from me, and I missed him. It’s not that I’ve lost the need for independence, it’s that I realized I don’t have to be completely alone to achieve that. He completes me, and I need him.

So I threw what was left of my food away, and drove back home where I belonged.

And true to form, he made time to see me late at night and bought me a donut.

A pink, heart-shaped donut.

WE HAD A SWING SET IN THE BACKYARD GROWING UP. And I think out of all us girls, I appreciated it the most. My special spot was right up on the top – the one spot kids normally shouldn’t climb to. If I were stressed, worried, or upset I’d run outside, climb my way up to the top and perch like a cat for hours. I felt invincible there, like nothing on this Earth could touch me. I pondered things a lot from my roost.

As I sat last April on a Hoodoo in Bryce Canyon, I had that same reflective feeling. I never could have guessed that I’d grow up this way.  But who ever does? Is there ever a point that you think, “that happened just as I planned when I was 10″? I never would have thought I’d be the person I am today, surrounded by the people that I love most, doing a job I enjoy. I’m glad things didn’t turn out as I’d expected.

There is a lot I don’t blog about. Breakups* are one of them. I want my blog to be an escape for the reader as well as myself. But there are times when I don’t have something cute, or funny, or exciting to post about, and all I need to do is just write out how I’m really feeling. The snippet below is from one of those times, on September 18th, about a month before I’d broken up with Dale.

What I wouldn’t give to be able to walk away from problems and issues. To be able to say, “I’m done” and leave, pick up a new life and move on. Some days I want that. I was upstairs with Grams when we had a long talk about the reasons why I’m okay with NOT being married right now (after dating for two years).

“I like my freedom,” I defended quite confidently.

“What freedom? Freedom my dear, is the ability to pack up and go, to hitch hike to Wyoming, to do whatever you feel when you feel it! What you have is not freedom. Sure, you might have a degree of it, but you’re not truly free. You’re bound by obligations – work, school, Dale. You don’t take the time to let yourself be free.”

It was that instant, when her eighty year old eyes locked onto mine with the fire of someone young at heart, with the passion of someone who knows the value of life, and with the urgency to instill a thousand meanings at once, that I realized she was right.

I’m not an accomplished person, you see.

I’ve failed myself.

And although it felt better to write that out, I never did post it. It didn’t belong on my happy little blog. But it’s not the words that didn’t belong, it’s the feeling of unhappiness and disappointment that accompanied it, that created it. I was not a happy person.

So why now? Why would I share something so deep, so personal and from so far back?

I want to remind myself to be this girl.

The girl who can learn from others, and not stress, and not worry about things. I want to live life and take the time to appreciate everything I have been given. I am so very very blessed and I don’t want to take that for granted. I tend to stress too much, whine when I have no need, get frustrated too easily, give up to fast. And you know what? Life is just too short.

So I encourage you to go.

Climb Hoodoos. They are great for reflecting.

Just remember, it’s easier to climb up if you’re looking forward with anticipation and not back with regrets.

*Post Note: No I am not/will not/have not broken up with Kevin. We are doing great, he is included in the “surrounded by people I love” part and he’s one of the many blessings I count in my life every day, along with having amazing immediate family (Ash and Aspen, as well as the other 3/4ths of my family who don’t read this blog), amazing extended family (Grandma B and Rach, you are awesome, thank you for always reading and commenting), great friends (shout out to Kamie) and a good dog who is currently sleeping on my lap. Thank you to every single one of you, family, friends, blog friends. Thank you for making me who I am today, and for encouraging me to be whoever I may want to be tomorrow.

ON NEW YEAR’S EVE, KEVIN TOOK ME TO SALT LAKE CITY. They had a party going on called Eve, where there was guaranteed to be snowboarding, ice skating and hot cocoa.

We parked and walked around looking for food. And I don’t know if it’s just me, but the City is a completely different place on foot. But I get lost anywhere. I get lost on a car, on a boat, on a train, in a plane…

We hunted for food while I made him stop every ten feet so I could take another picture of another building. He was starving. And cold. And hungry. And did we cover hungry? Let’s just say he’s got a lot of patience when it comes to putting up with me.

I was taking a photo of the SLC Temple from across the road when a man in a top hat behind us tried to cajole Kevin into going inside Zions Bank.

“Happy New Years! Step inside here for a minute.”

“No, we’re okay.”

“No seriously come inside.” He pointed in the Bank.

“Emmm we’ll pass. Do you know where we can get some food?”

“Come on in! We have eclairs!! ECLAIRS!!!” A new guy waltzed out of the building and opened the door for us.

“What the heck is an eclair? I just want real food. Where around here can we eat?” I knew Kevin was losing the battle when the guy grabbed him buy the front of the shirt and tried to pull him in.

“Look. Just at least come in for a glow stick,” he tried a last ditch effort.

“You have GLOWSTICKS!?” We said at the same time,  and hurried inside for our treasures. Are we the only 20 year olds that still think glowsticks are cool?

Thankfully the guy was nice enough to tell us afterwards where we could find food, and it turns out we’d walked a big loop around it.

We ate at a small, clean looking shop called the Bayleaf Cafe. “This place is trendy” Kevin whispered to me like it was a secret. And I agreed. It was trendy – not so much that there were weirdos and hippies. It was trendy in the sense that I felt like I was in New York, so I pretended to be for a few minutes. And I took even more photos while we waited.

“I’m so hungry I could punch you!”

Just kidding. He didn’t say that.

After we were full we walked back to the “Eve” event where people were snowboarding.

And people were singing.

And others were ice skating (I saw a guy who split open his head from falling. Yea. I’ll pass). We also saw some girl point at a lady wearing flashing glasses and scream,

“Hey look!!! It’s Jean Luc Picard!”

“Excuse me?” The lady stopped and asked.

“Your husband, he looks just like Jean Luc Picard – you know, from Star Trek?”And with that last part, the husband and wife couple stomped away, but Kevin and I had to admit that he did, in fact, look just like Jean Luc Picard and we were laughing our heads off.

We rode the Trax over to The Gateway mall, where they have the coolest tree I’ve ever seen.

On the Trax ride back, Kevin pointed out a guy with a tear-shaped tattoo under his eye. “That means he’s killed someone.”

“Really?” I whispered in horror.

“Yep really,” he looked down at me and chuckled.

“I don’t wanna be on train no mo!” I pouted. The guy with the tattoo was giving the couple ahead of us directions and wishing them well as we unloaded. “That’s the nicest murderer I’ve ever met,” I said in all seriousness, which made both of us laugh. We didn’t even realize where we were until Kevin spotted a certain someone.

It’s our local news lady!

And her green screen!

And that other lady! (I’m so good with names, aren’t I?)

By this point we were cold and started hunting for hot chocolate. I didn’t like mine and threw it away in favor of a strawberry frappachino.

Happy 2010 everyone!