ON FRIDAY, MY WORK HOSTED OUR ANNUAL CHRISTMAS PARTY AT SUNDANCE SKI RESORT. And although it was amazing, the entertainment was wonderful, the food was fulfilling, I can never think of Sundance without thinking of raccoons.

Raccoons and I go way back you see, clear back to when I was eight and my sisters friend had a pet coon which ran in a bush, causing a bit of a dilemma for us.

“Quick, give me your shoes!” Sam’s friend Kristy shoved her hand in my direction, but there was no way I was giving up my shoes, they were brand spanking new and I hadn’t even found out how fast I could run in them yet.

Did anyone else do that? Run up and down the street in your new kicks just to see if you were faster? Back to the point.

“I don’t wanna…” I quietly shied away from her.

“Well fine, but then you have to go in there and grab him.” Now it was a challenge, but I was totally game. After all, it’s just a pet coon. I stepped towards the bush and poked around with my hands until I felt a sharp — SNIP — and pain overcame my thumb. I pulled my gangly hand out of the bush and noticed four puncture marks where the damn thing had bit me. I ran screaming all the way home and sat there crying for an hour while my mom called around to find out if it had rabies.

Good times, I tell you. Good times.

Ever since then I’ve stayed away from the evil little varmints with one exception: the day my sisters, mom and I went to Sundance to explore the gift shop, and right outside was the funniest, pudgiest little raccoon I’ve ever seen in my life swinging on a rope and failing miserably. He had a broken leg but the sweetest disposition. Shopping isn’t my thing so I stood there watching him for a while, which was fine until he changed his focus and started coming at me. Every step I took back he took two scooches (broken leg, remember?) towards me. If I moved faster, so did he. I was wondering what I should do, could I outrun a raccoon!? right when some hag that worked in the store screamed, “Young lady! Get AWAY from that RACOON right this instant,” with her hand on her hip.

You’d think she worked for peta and I’d just been caught dog fighting.

And I don’t know what it is, usually I just submit when people yell — like the time in Zions National Park when some lady yelled at Ashley and I for feeding the squirrels, something about how they’d all starve and die in the winter and it would be all our fault since we fed them, Ashley and I just stood there and TOOK IT. But no, not today, I was not going be blamed for a silly little coon that was chasing me. So I mocked, threw out my leg and folded my arms and very sassily replied, “Who are you?! You’re not my mother.”

And since I can’t find the perfect photo I took of a raccoon at the Oklahoma Zoo that talked me out of 1/2 a bag of Gardettos, I’ll leave you with a photo of a man at Wal-Mart that brought his buddy with him.

**UPDATE: My spreadsheet is found, I now have food  and life is good again**

IT’S MONDAY, AND I’M ALREADY HUNGRY. Is it not enough that it’s Monday? I mean, that’s a huge thing all in itself. Matter of fact, that works as answer to anything:

Aubrey what’s wrong?

It’s Monday.

How’s that spreadsheet coming (oh yea, the one that’s still LOST?!)

It’s Monday.

How’s your Grandma?

It’s Monday.

What’re you thinking?

It’s Monday.

Except this time, It’s Monday and I’m Hungry. I’m hungry and I’m on a quest – for Funions. Kevin and I were driving around the other day and for some insane reason I felt the need to blurt out of nowhere, “Whenever I find Funions, I feel like I’ve won something massive.” I clenched my fists together for added emphasis.

“. . .O. . .kay?” He asked, looking at me out the corner of his eye.

“Well, you just can’t find those anywhere, it’s like a prize. A prize of yummy goodness.”

“Eww.  Funions are sooo gross!” He proclaimed.

“WHAT?! You don’t like Funions?! You don’t like Funions.” I huffed. “You mean to tell me we’re similar in every other way but you can’t stand Funions? Well, then guess what? I hate the vinegar in Salt and Vinegar chips.” Oh yes, I went there. I hated on his favorite chips.

“Well then, I hate the onions in Funions.”

We both bust up laughing and that was the end of that discussion – he won. We agreed to disagree (and what a great first disagreement that was), and get our favorite type of chips anyway – except Chevron was lame and didn’t have either.

However, he made it up to me later when he found my stash of Easy Cheese and Wheat Thins. “Oh my goodness I love these! You’re probably mad that I found them.” Mad, no. Surprised that you like them? Yes.

I got thinking of how much my father hates Easy Cheese. He calls it “Fish Cheese” because he claims it’s so similar to the cheese bait he used while fishing as a kid. He won’t even come close to a can of Easy Cheese if you paid him.  Thinking of that got me thinking of butter. Both are so similar with how they can be processed and sold in so many different forms.

And now butter’s got me thinking about toast, and pancakes, and all the other stuff I’d like to make in the morning when I get up.

But wait.

It’s Monday.

Raincheck to Tuesday? Why yes please.

I AM FAMOUS FOR OVERTHINKING THINGS. Take for example, going back to school, or more recently, going back to Church. I sat there all yesterday morning wringing my hands, nervously tugging down the hem of my skirt, readjusting my necklace, anything to try and get my mind of things.

“I’m gonna die,” I stated this matter-of-factly to Kevin as we walked in. “I’m gonna die. I just know it. Dying. Dead.”

He just laughed and grabbed my hand. Haha oh boy, I thought I was nervous before? Holding hands in a Church. . .is this acceptable?

Needless to say, it’d been a while.

And needless to say, I lived. (And I’m going again next week).

Back to my topic:  overthinking.

I overthink a lot of things. Like lunch – I’ll think about what to eat for so long that I wind up skipping it.

I overthink things like the word scissors. Why is that word so weird? Don’t believe me? Say scissors five times and it stops sounding human. Or is it just me?

Speaking of is it just me, does anyone else notice their music slowing down? Because I swear I’ll pick a fast tempo song, love it for a few weeks, and by the time I get the words down the tempo is half of what it used to be and I feel like I’m singing to a slow dance song. Is that just me?

And then there is the “literally” problem. I tend to take things for face value. Like the time I was driving with some friends and another car cut into our lane, my friend said, “they didn’t install turn signals on that model”.

Yep.

I believed it.

Basically I think too much, and it’s a disease. A disease you just caught. . .with this list of imponderables!

• Do fish ever sneeze?
• Can sour cream go bad?
• What is the speed of dark?
• Why do clocks run clockwise?
• Why do doughnuts have holes?
• What do you call a male ladybug?
• Is there another word for synonym?
• What’s another word for Thesaurus?
• Why isn’t 11 pronounced onety one?
• Why don’t sheep shrink when it rains?
• Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
• Why does unscented hair spray smell?
• Why is it that rain drops but snow falls?
• If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?
• Why do kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
• Why is “abbreviated” such a long word?
• Is it OK to use the AM radio after noon?
• Boycott shampoo! Demand the real poo!
• If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
• What do ducks have to do with duck tape?
• Why isn’t there a mouse-flavored cat food?
• How and why do horses sleep standing up?
• Why do ketchup bottles have narrow necks?
• Why don’t people snore when they’re awake?
• Do Roman paramedics refer to IV’s as “4’s”?
• Why isn’t phonetic spelled the way it sounds?
• What was the best thing before sliced bread?
• Is a clear conscience a sign of a bad memory?
• What happens to the tread that wears off tires?
• Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?
• What does the phrase “Now then” really mean?
• How do you tell when you’re out of invisible ink?
• Suppose the hokey-pokey is what its all about?
• Are Santa’s helpers called subordinate clauses?
• If a cow laughs, does milk come out of her nose?
• Why are people immune to their own body odor?
• Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
• Why do people like to pop bubble wrap so much?
• Do crematoriums give discounts for burn victims?
• Do they use sterilized needles for fatal injections?
• If the #2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still #2?
• Why do you never hear about gruntled employees?
• If ignorance is bliss, why aren’t more people happy?
• What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
• If man evolved from apes, why do we still have apes?
• When cheese gets its picture taken, what does it say?
• Why do we drive on parkways and park on driveways?
• What would the speed of lightning be if it didn’t zigzag?
• If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?
• If you don’t pay your exorcist, do you get repossessed?
• Why does the sun lighten our hair, but darken our skin?
• Why is the third hand on a watch called a second hand?
• If a book about failures doesn’t sell well, is it a success?
• Would you still be hungry if you ate pasta and antipasta?
• Why can’t women put on mascara with their mouth closed?
• If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
• If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
• Why must there be five syllables in the word “monosyllabic?”
• Why don’t you ever see the headline “Psychic Wins Lottery”?
• Why is it considered necessary to nail down the lid of a coffin?
• When everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.
• If they squeeze olives to get olive oil, how do they get baby oil?
• Eagles may soar, but weasels don’t get sucked into jet engines.
• If a word in the dictionary were mispelled, how would we know?
• Why are they called apartments when they’re all stuck together?
• If you go to a general store, will they let you buy anthing specific?
• When dogs bark for hour on end, why don’t they ever get hoarse?
• What size were hailstones before the game of golf was invented?
• If 7-11 is open 24 h/d, 365 d/yr, why are there locks on the doors?
• Why do we say that something is out of whack? What is a whack?
• If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?
• Why do superficial paper cuts tend to hurt more than grosser cuts?
• If nothing sticks to Teflon, how do they get Teflon to stick to the pan?
• If we’re here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?
• The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
• Why is experience something you don’t get until just after you need it?
• If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest also have to drown?
• Why do we put suits in a garment bag and put garments in a suitcase?
• Why is the period of the day with the slowest traffic called the rush hour?
• Why are there flotation devices under plane seats instead of parachutes?
• Should we be concerned that engineers describe their work as “practice?”
• How do they keep all the raisins in a cereal box from falling to the bottom?
• If cement was invented 7,000 years ago, why isn’t the whole planet paved?
• If you build an idiot-proof system, will the world create a better-quality idiot?
• Why do hot dogs come 10 to a package and hot-dog buns 8 to a package?
• Why is the telephone key pad arranged differently than a calculator key pad?
• Why do croutons come in airtight packages? It’s just stale bread to begin with.
• Why do engineers call it research when they’re searching for something new?
• How many roads does a man need to travel down before he admits he is lost?
• If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him that he has the right to remain silent?
• Why do you need a driver’s license to buy liquor when you can’t drink and drive?
• If quitters never win and winners never quit, why should you “quit while you’re ahead?”
• When two airplanes almost collide, why do they call it a near miss rather than a near hit?
• Does current emphasis on artificial intelligence support the existence of artificial stupidity?
• Light travels faster than sound; is that why people appear bright until you hear them speak?
• When a fly alights on the ceiling, does it perform a loop or a roll in order to get upside down?
• How do military cadets find their caps after tossing them in the air at graduation ceremonies?
• How do they get deer to cross a highway where they place one of those yellow warning signs?
• Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, while dishwashing liquid is made with real lemons?
• Airplanes have an indestructible black box. Why don’t they make the whole plane out of that stuff?
• What happens if you turn on your headlights when you’re in a vehicle moving at the speed of light?
• When you pick something up so your hands are full, why does someplace on your face start to itch?
• Why is it that when you’re driving and looking for an address, you turn down the volume on the radio?
• If it’s zero degrees today and tomorrow is supposed to be twice as cold, what will tomorrow’s temperature be?
• A bus station is where a bus stops; a train station is where a train stops. What occurs at a desk with a work station?
• Why is it that when you send something by truck it’s called a shipment, but when you send it by ship it’s called cargo?

NOTHING ELSE CAN COMPETE WITH THIS FOR MADE ME LAUGH MONDAY.

Nothing.

I mean, it could be the most awesome thing I’d ever seen in my life and it still wouldn’t compare. I know I’ve posted a lot of photos of Aspen (and can you blame me? She’s adorable) but once you see this one, you’ll know why it had to be the Monday episode.

I was sitting at home on my couch the other day and I get a text from Ash saying, “Midge could totally be an old lady for Halloween”.

The pic that followed?

I’m a little frightened.

I’LL NEVER FORGET THE DAY that my sister Sam and her friend Kristy called up KFC on a lazy summer afternoon.

“Hey! Is this KFC?”

“Yes, how can we help you?”

“Yea, we’d like to uh. . .”

*giggle giggle*

“know how. . .”

*snicker*

“We’dliketoknowhowbigyourbreastsare”.

They were dying from laughter but the worker had them beat. “Pretty big,” he cooly responded. “How big are yours?”

They were off the phone faster than you could blink an eye. This is one of those memories that I can’t erase. Something about it makes me laugh. Although, it’s not something that I’d ever try. Noo way Jose. I’m too chicken. There was one other call they made afterwards, to Fat Cats bowling, something about the weight of the equipment. But since this is a family friendly blog we won’t go there.

No. Let’s talk about a simpler joke, one that everyone has at least heard. And it goes something like this.

“Hello?”

“Hi.”

“Hey I just wondered something. Is your refrigerator running?”

“. . .Yes?”

“Well then you better catch it!”

Someone please invest in these magnets for me. Thank you.

OH BOY. Did I ever laugh when I found these charts, and I’ve been laughing ever since. They remind me of a few years ago when I got my tonsils out,  and I’d explain it to little kids as “we’re not friends anymore. They’re not nice to me so we have to get them removed”.

It was easier than saying that my best chick friend in high school gave me tonsillitis (yes. I am still bitter about that) and that the subsequent infections and tonsil stones were just too much to deal with.

These charts have quick funnies that anyone could laugh at. My favorites are the spleen and the pancreas. Which ones did you enjoy?

MISS ME MUCH? WONDER WHERE I’VE BEEN? To summarize, figuring out my finances.

Who doesn’t get lost when calculating finances?

Anyone?

Beuller?

All I have to give you for Made Me Laugh Monday today is a copycat post that I got forwarded to my email. I’d credit the inventor if anyone knew who came up with this. I’d also give the inventor five bucks if they’d create funny comebacks for me to say when my little sister decides to start throwing insults (love ya sis).

Anyway, below is a list of reasons that men on this earth are much more chipper than their female counterparts. Being a female, I have to agree with this list BUT (and that is a very big but) also protect my peeps and argue that us women have some pretty valid reasons why we act the way we do.

Simply put, it’s called hormones people, and estrogen is nuts when we can find ourselves crying over a laundry detergent commercial.

Introducing. . .

Men Are Just Happier People:

Your last name stays put.
The garage is all yours.
Wedding plans take care of themselves.
Chocolate is just another snack.
You can be President.
You can never be pregnant.
You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.
You can wear NO shirt to a water park.
Car mechanics tell you the truth.
The world is your urinal.
You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky.
You don’t have to stop and think of which h way to turn a nut on a bolt.
Same work, more pay.
Wrinkles add character.
Wedding dress $5000. Tux rental $500.
People never stare at your chest when you’re talking to them.
New shoes don’t cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.
You can open all your own jars.
You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend.
Your underwear is $30.00 for a three pack.
Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.
You almost never have strap problems in public.
You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.
Everything on your face stays its original color.
The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.
You only have to shave your face and neck.
You can play with toys all your life.
One wallet and one pair of shoes — one color for all seasons.
You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look.
You can “do” your nails with a pocket knife.
You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.
You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes.

No wonder men are happier.

YOU DIDN’T THINK THAT I’D SKIP THIS MONDAY, DID YOU? Just because I had surgery three hours ago and I’m a bit loopy doesn’t mean that I can’t give you all the only thing you come here for – my lame Made Me Laugh Monday posts.

This weeks funnies are of a random assortment, but I feel that they all tie in together quite nicely due to the literal aspect of all of them. We’ll start off with the old phrase, “The lesser of two evils”. How’s about the lesser of two weevils?

I know we’ve already discussed my hamster Chip in another post, but this one just made me laugh. It reminds me of the times when we’d put our hammies in these exercise balls and completely forget about them until thirty minutes later when they’re cornered and surrounded by all five cats.

What makes this even funnier, is I just realized the title said “It’s sad because those dudes only live for two years anyway”. That’s a lie.

Chip has been kickin’ it for 2 years, going on 3.

Now, if you are from Utah, or you’ve been to Utah, or your cousins-uncles-aunt is from Utah, or you’ve just heard the word ‘missionary’ in general, this will amuse you.

Gotta love those missionaries. Even the mice ones, because cheese sounds davine right now, and they don’t make that flavor in pudding.

Now remember on my last MMLM post where I said I spend a lot of time looking for things?

That explains it. That explains why I almost put milk in the cupboard, pizza in the pantry and my keys in the dirty clothes bag. I guess I can now add “I’m an idiot” to my usual “It’s a Mo thing”.

Face plant: You’re doing it right.

Lastly, remember when these came out and it was all the craze? A ROBOT THAT VACUUMS FOR YOU! Only difference is, in the infomercials they used a Roomba in an area that only had rounded edges with nothing for it to get stuck on.

Such false advertisement.

I’M KIND OF SOCIALLY AWKWARD in the sense that I don’t get as caught up in relationships as other people do. I don’t just mean relationships like dating, I mean relationships like family and friend types of connections. I’m just not a hugger, you see. I feel awkward, and find myself spending more time going over Do I hug now? What about now? Would that be weird? Where do my hands go? Do you give a friendly pat on the back, a big squeeze or just a quick “we just accidentally touched” type of hug?

To save myself (and you) the trouble of going through something so awkward with me, let’s just have an Internet High Five and call it good, shall we?

I’m just kidding. I love you – this much.

Now that we have that out of the way, we can move on to other relationship faux pas, like relating your blossoming romance to ANY movie that has Keanu Reeves in it.

If this is the case, you can always make up for it with a card. However, I don’t think you should shop in this section, as awesome as the cards are.

I am one of these frequent card shoppers. Only too often do I say, “Well, I’m sorry but you – ” Cut. Right there. Y-O-U. That nasty three letter word that immediately takes all the blame off of yourself and puts it onto someone else. The world would be a better place if we could just take that out of our vocabulary. Remember, there is no I in Team (but there is a Me. And a Meat. Mmm my two favorite things!)

If you need other words – darn, I just said Y-O-U! – If thou has a need for other insults, try this Insult Generator. I just got told I was a “Goblin stealing hamster squeezer.”

I LIKE PIE.

I also like funny pie charts. Ones that were made about me, for example.

I am notorious for losing things, say, the hairbrush, which leaves me running around the house like a chicken with it’s head cut off trying to find it, only to realize that it was in my hand the whole time.

What’s better than a pie with a little Twitter on the side?

I am unfortunately in the 19% that blog about their lunch. Maybe that’s because I have a Plurk, Twitter, and Facebook account that I’m on all day, every day. Add me! Or don’t. Just keep reading my blog, you mysterious non-commenter. I know you do, you bookmark my site and I’m sure you come here thinking, I wonder if that one weird chick has made fun of herself recently. Or you find me by searching things like:

Or you find me by searching things like:

• “front yard wishing wells” Don’t currently own one, but I’d rather that than a gnome. Or a pink flamingo.
• “how to take a really cute picture on photo booth” Sorry, I have no pointers on this.
• “i look ugly on photo booth” and proud of it!
• “where no animals were harmed”
• “blue mixing bowls got at dollar store about 6 years ago” Can’t help you there, I can’t remember what I bought there last week.
• “cheap” Hey now!
• “prison mess room pictures” I really wonder what page they got to.
• “do chihuahua daschund mix dogs make good pets?” I’ll answer this honestly – yes and no. If you want a real dog, get a real dog. If you want a cat that has a mind of its own, get a chaweenie.
• “twilight the movie what does mo be watching you mean?” It means AubMo will be watching you and everything you do. I don’t think Twilight’s Edward can save you on this one. *
• “aubrey hairy”
  
• “hairy chubs” Hey now. I’ll be the first to admit that I look like a female version of teen wolf. But chubs? Give me a few years and I’ll get back to you on that one.
• “rabbits mating stinky” Don’t go there. No really. Don’t. I’ve never bred rabbits and I don’t want to be afraid to do that now.
• “you didn’t realize you were eating dog food” Hmm no, I’m pretty sure I’d know if I started munching on some Kibbles and Bits.
• “nothing but rejection in my life” whoever searched that and found my blog deserves some ice cream.
• “daschund ollie” Congratulations. You just gained two brownie points with my dog for that.
• “blog stalker” You got it.

Anyway, comment, okay? Otherwise I’d never know if you’re laughing with me, or at me, and I wanna know.  I’ll enable anonymous comments, so you can rant about me without the fear that I’ll hunt you down and TP (code for toilet paper) your house.

*just for the people that find me by searching for Twilight (love you!), here is a pie chart that you can relate to.

All my love and secret wishes for comments from you,

AubMo