“Relax, you get scared of talking to people too often,” he laughed back, unrolling his window as the person on the other end inquired about his order.

I had to think about that for a minute, but you know what?

He’s right.

That’s why he’s the one who’s handled the conversations for every venue manager, photographer, and any other person that is wedding related. If it doesn’t have an online order form I cross it off my wants list. Who needs flowers and cakes anyway?

Heck, I’d have made him talk to the ladies at the dress store if it hadn’t have been for the need to actually try the dress on.

So he’s totally right – I am afraid of talking to people. Which is a little surprising, considering I worked on a call floor for five months. But if I think about it, it’s not just people I fear. It’s everything.

In the shower it’s earthquakes.

In the car, it’s accidents, flying objects and flat tires. Not to mention the fear I have of winding up abandoned on dark roads at night.

At night it’s murderers. I’m positive it was thieves making that scratching noise against my window, sending me flying into bed fully clothed, texting Kevin from under the covers.

And don’t forget the ankle-grabbing monster that lives under the bed and suffers from a mean case of foot fetish.

At work it’s job loss, messing up, not accomplishing what I want.

At home it’s wedding, wedding wedding wedding!!! stuff that all needs to be done on time, which isn’t helped by my spending habits and the reoccurring nightmare where I show up late to my own wedding in flip flops and bed hair.

Fear.

I fear fear even, but I don’t know how to help it.

So when something like this happens in my own bedroom:

All I can do is cover my head and text Ashley, “the sky is falling, Chicken Little!”

(Sorry mom.)

(Thanks dad.)

What I’m not sure of is where I got this dyslexia. Some distant relative perhaps? Or maybe it was a freak gene of my own that mutated, transforming me into a word-twisting freak. Whatever the reason, it’s got to stop.

I try to stop myself, I really do, but there’s no pattern to the madness. I seem to have a knack for saying the wrong thing at the most inconvenient time. Take for example last Wednesday, when I told my boss “have a great weekend”, instead of “have a good night”. Or when I read the sign on the fridge as, “the clean will be fridged out every Friday” instead of “the fridge will be cleaned out every Friday”.

It’s a disease, I tell you.

Wanna know other things I’ve said?

• Hear ache (hearing aid)
• Three Frows (free throws)
• Eye glass (hour glass)
• Sland your ham (slam your hand)
• Bookwork (book worm)
• Cwommas (commas in quotes) “they put the cwommas in…”
• Tan of coona (can of tuna)
• Cookie Cukkers (cookie cutters)

The worst by far, however happened when Kevin and I were cooking dinner a few nights ago. He was watching the chicken to make sure it didn’t burn when his phone started ringing. I picked it up off the table, glanced at it and held it out to him.

“It’s Timmer Dunn,” I told him.

He got a weird, questioning look on his face for a split second before he bust up laughing.

“What?” I asked. I didn’t get the joke. I was still trying to figure out who would name their kid that. What a stupid name. Maybe it was a practical joke?

“Um sweetie? It’s the timer. As in, ‘Timer Done’.”

And because everything is better with a random photo:

Go ahead. I dare you to caption it.

Raccoons and I go way back you see, clear back to when I was eight and my sisters friend had a pet coon which ran in a bush, causing a bit of a dilemma for us.

“Quick, give me your shoes!” Sam’s friend Kristy shoved her hand in my direction, but there was no way I was giving up my shoes, they were brand spanking new and I hadn’t even found out how fast I could run in them yet.

Did anyone else do that? Run up and down the street in your new kicks just to see if you were faster? Back to the point.

“I don’t wanna…” I quietly shied away from her.

“Well fine, but then you have to go in there and grab him.” Now it was a challenge, but I was totally game. After all, it’s just a pet coon. I stepped towards the bush and poked around with my hands until I felt a sharp — SNIP — and pain overcame my thumb. I pulled my gangly hand out of the bush and noticed four puncture marks where the damn thing had bit me. I ran screaming all the way home and sat there crying for an hour while my mom called around to find out if it had rabies.

Good times, I tell you. Good times.

Ever since then I’ve stayed away from the evil little varmints with one exception: the day my sisters, mom and I went to Sundance to explore the gift shop, and right outside was the funniest, pudgiest little raccoon I’ve ever seen in my life swinging on a rope and failing miserably. He had a broken leg but the sweetest disposition. Shopping isn’t my thing so I stood there watching him for a while, which was fine until he changed his focus and started coming at me. Every step I took back he took two scooches (broken leg, remember?) towards me. If I moved faster, so did he. I was wondering what I should do, could I outrun a raccoon!? right when some hag that worked in the store screamed, “Young lady! Get AWAY from that RACOON right this instant,” with her hand on her hip.

You’d think she worked for peta and I’d just been caught dog fighting.

And I don’t know what it is, usually I just submit when people yell — like the time in Zions National Park when some lady yelled at Ashley and I for feeding the squirrels, something about how they’d all starve and die in the winter and it would be all our fault since we fed them, Ashley and I just stood there and TOOK IT. But no, not today, I was not going be blamed for a silly little coon that was chasing me. So I mocked, threw out my leg and folded my arms and very sassily replied, “Who are you?! You’re not my mother.”

And since I can’t find the perfect photo I took of a raccoon at the Oklahoma Zoo that talked me out of 1/2 a bag of Gardettos, I’ll leave you with a photo of a man at Wal-Mart that brought his buddy with him.

IT’S MONDAY, AND I’M ALREADY HUNGRY. Is it not enough that it’s Monday? I mean, that’s a huge thing all in itself. Matter of fact, that works as answer to anything:

Aubrey what’s wrong?

It’s Monday.

How’s that spreadsheet coming (oh yea, the one that’s still LOST?!)

It’s Monday.

How’s your Grandma?

It’s Monday.

What’re you thinking?

It’s Monday.

Except this time, It’s Monday and I’m Hungry. I’m hungry and I’m on a quest – for Funions. Kevin and I were driving around the other day and for some insane reason I felt the need to blurt out of nowhere, “Whenever I find Funions, I feel like I’ve won something massive.” I clenched my fists together for added emphasis.

“. . .O. . .kay?” He asked, looking at me out the corner of his eye.

“Well, you just can’t find those anywhere, it’s like a prize. A prize of yummy goodness.”

“Eww.  Funions are sooo gross!” He proclaimed.

“WHAT?! You don’t like Funions?! You don’t like Funions.” I huffed. “You mean to tell me we’re similar in every other way but you can’t stand Funions? Well, then guess what? I hate the vinegar in Salt and Vinegar chips.” Oh yes, I went there. I hated on his favorite chips.

“Well then, I hate the onions in Funions.”

We both bust up laughing and that was the end of that discussion – he won. We agreed to disagree (and what a great first disagreement that was), and get our favorite type of chips anyway – except Chevron was lame and didn’t have either.

However, he made it up to me later when he found my stash of Easy Cheese and Wheat Thins. “Oh my goodness I love these! You’re probably mad that I found them.” Mad, no. Surprised that you like them? Yes.

I got thinking of how much my father hates Easy Cheese. He calls it “Fish Cheese” because he claims it’s so similar to the cheese bait he used while fishing as a kid. He won’t even come close to a can of Easy Cheese if you paid him.  Thinking of that got me thinking of butter. Both are so similar with how they can be processed and sold in so many different forms.

And now butter’s got me thinking about toast, and pancakes, and all the other stuff I’d like to make in the morning when I get up.

But wait.

It’s Monday.

Raincheck to Tuesday? Why yes please.

“I’m gonna die,” I stated this matter-of-factly to Kevin as we walked in. “I’m gonna die. I just know it. Dying. Dead.”

He just laughed and grabbed my hand. Haha oh boy, I thought I was nervous before? Holding hands in a Church. . .is this acceptable?

Needless to say, it’d been a while.

And needless to say, I lived. (And I’m going again next week).

Back to my topic:  overthinking.

I overthink a lot of things. Like lunch – I’ll think about what to eat for so long that I wind up skipping it.

I overthink things like the word scissors. Why is that word so weird? Don’t believe me? Say scissors five times and it stops sounding human. Or is it just me?

Speaking of is it just me, does anyone else notice their music slowing down? Because I swear I’ll pick a fast tempo song, love it for a few weeks, and by the time I get the words down the tempo is half of what it used to be and I feel like I’m singing to a slow dance song. Is that just me?

And then there is the “literally” problem. I tend to take things for face value. Like the time I was driving with some friends and another car cut into our lane, my friend said, “they didn’t install turn signals on that model”.

Yep.

I believed it.

Basically I think too much, and it’s a disease. A disease you just caught. . .with this list of imponderables!

• Do fish ever sneeze?
• Can sour cream go bad?
• What is the speed of dark?
• Why do clocks run clockwise?
• Why do doughnuts have holes?
• What do you call a male ladybug?
• Is there another word for synonym?
• What’s another word for Thesaurus?
• Why isn’t 11 pronounced onety one?
• Why don’t sheep shrink when it rains?
• Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
• Why does unscented hair spray smell?
• Why is it that rain drops but snow falls?
• If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?
• Why do kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
• Why is “abbreviated” such a long word?
• Is it OK to use the AM radio after noon?
• Boycott shampoo! Demand the real poo!
• If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
• What do ducks have to do with duck tape?
• Why isn’t there a mouse-flavored cat food?
• How and why do horses sleep standing up?
• Why do ketchup bottles have narrow necks?
• Why don’t people snore when they’re awake?
• Do Roman paramedics refer to IV’s as “4′s”?
• Why isn’t phonetic spelled the way it sounds?
• What was the best thing before sliced bread?
• Is a clear conscience a sign of a bad memory?
• What happens to the tread that wears off tires?
• Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?
• What does the phrase “Now then” really mean?
• How do you tell when you’re out of invisible ink?
• Suppose the hokey-pokey is what its all about?
• Are Santa’s helpers called subordinate clauses?
• If a cow laughs, does milk come out of her nose?
• Why are people immune to their own body odor?
• Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
• Why do people like to pop bubble wrap so much?
• Do crematoriums give discounts for burn victims?
• Do they use sterilized needles for fatal injections?
• If the #2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still #2?
• Why do you never hear about gruntled employees?
• If ignorance is bliss, why aren’t more people happy?
• What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
• If man evolved from apes, why do we still have apes?
• When cheese gets its picture taken, what does it say?
• Why do we drive on parkways and park on driveways?
• What would the speed of lightning be if it didn’t zigzag?
• If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?
• If you don’t pay your exorcist, do you get repossessed?
• Why does the sun lighten our hair, but darken our skin?
• Why is the third hand on a watch called a second hand?
• If a book about failures doesn’t sell well, is it a success?
• Would you still be hungry if you ate pasta and antipasta?
• Why can’t women put on mascara with their mouth closed?
• If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
• If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
• Why must there be five syllables in the word “monosyllabic?”
• Why don’t you ever see the headline “Psychic Wins Lottery”?
• Why is it considered necessary to nail down the lid of a coffin?
• When everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.
• If they squeeze olives to get olive oil, how do they get baby oil?
• Eagles may soar, but weasels don’t get sucked into jet engines.
• If a word in the dictionary were mispelled, how would we know?
• Why are they called apartments when they’re all stuck together?
• If you go to a general store, will they let you buy anthing specific?
• When dogs bark for hour on end, why don’t they ever get hoarse?
• What size were hailstones before the game of golf was invented?
• If 7-11 is open 24 h/d, 365 d/yr, why are there locks on the doors?
• Why do we say that something is out of whack? What is a whack?
• If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?
• Why do superficial paper cuts tend to hurt more than grosser cuts?
• If nothing sticks to Teflon, how do they get Teflon to stick to the pan?
• If we’re here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?
• The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
• Why is experience something you don’t get until just after you need it?
• If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest also have to drown?
• Why do we put suits in a garment bag and put garments in a suitcase?
• Why is the period of the day with the slowest traffic called the rush hour?
• Why are there flotation devices under plane seats instead of parachutes?
• Should we be concerned that engineers describe their work as “practice?”
• How do they keep all the raisins in a cereal box from falling to the bottom?
• If cement was invented 7,000 years ago, why isn’t the whole planet paved?
• If you build an idiot-proof system, will the world create a better-quality idiot?
• Why do hot dogs come 10 to a package and hot-dog buns 8 to a package?
• Why is the telephone key pad arranged differently than a calculator key pad?
• Why do croutons come in airtight packages? It’s just stale bread to begin with.
• Why do engineers call it research when they’re searching for something new?
• How many roads does a man need to travel down before he admits he is lost?
• If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him that he has the right to remain silent?
• Why do you need a driver’s license to buy liquor when you can’t drink and drive?
• If quitters never win and winners never quit, why should you “quit while you’re ahead?”
• When two airplanes almost collide, why do they call it a near miss rather than a near hit?
• Does current emphasis on artificial intelligence support the existence of artificial stupidity?
• Light travels faster than sound; is that why people appear bright until you hear them speak?
• When a fly alights on the ceiling, does it perform a loop or a roll in order to get upside down?
• How do military cadets find their caps after tossing them in the air at graduation ceremonies?
• How do they get deer to cross a highway where they place one of those yellow warning signs?
• Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, while dishwashing liquid is made with real lemons?
• Airplanes have an indestructible black box. Why don’t they make the whole plane out of that stuff?
• What happens if you turn on your headlights when you’re in a vehicle moving at the speed of light?
• When you pick something up so your hands are full, why does someplace on your face start to itch?
• Why is it that when you’re driving and looking for an address, you turn down the volume on the radio?
• If it’s zero degrees today and tomorrow is supposed to be twice as cold, what will tomorrow’s temperature be?
• A bus station is where a bus stops; a train station is where a train stops. What occurs at a desk with a work station?
• Why is it that when you send something by truck it’s called a shipment, but when you send it by ship it’s called cargo?