FOR SOME BACKGROUND, you know that I’ve always loved pets, which means I’ve owned anything I could get my hands on. Currently I have two parakeets, a dwarf hamster, a talking dog, and two rabbits. Everything lives in my apartment except the rabbits, some punk kids came around and started letting them out of my yard so I had to move them to my parents house.

Ashley recently caught a rabbit and tried to give it to me, and I immediately started listing the things she shouldn’t feed it. What can I say, I am a walking index of pet advice. It’s kind of pathetic really. I aspired to be a vet, and when that wasn’t possible I looked into being a vet tech. I found a local program, but they wanted $41,500 in TUITION (meaning, not including books) for two years of school which would certify me to spend the rest of my life cleaning cages and taking “temperatures” for roughly $12.75 an hour!

Uh, no thanks.

So here I sit, telling her what not to feed Chester the Rabbit (or Sweetie as Aspen calls him) and I…well…read it for yourself. Let’s just say I’m a PET expert, not a food or spelling expert.

Ashley:
i tried to give the rabbit we found to mom, she wouldn’t take him and says shes giving you your rabbits back someday

Aub:
the rabbits i can’t have at grams because kids let them out, and mom/dad shouldn’t have to care for them.
haha yep those are going.
i dont care about the black one, i’ll miss my brown one tho

Ashley:
is this the same aubrey that wanted to be a vet tech and save baby birds along the freeway?

Aub:
bite it

Ashley:
Glade (her cat) LOOOOOVED The rabbit. he was totally rubbing up against him

Aub:
what a fag (Sorry. You’d have to meet Glade to understand that. He’s antisocial, his best friends are a pair of raccoons and he hates the daylight. You can’t help but make fun of him.)
dude don’t feed the rabbit alvacados or tomatoes, it’ll kill.

Ashley:
altho the rabbit was last seen at the neighbors house–the neighbor called me last night and says “do you have a rabbit”? um…we brought one home yesterday
alvacado???
alvacado??
answer me
dont google it.
alvacado

Aub:
avacado?
heck I dunno.

Ashley:
avacado.
much better
you should try ALvacado’s theyre delicous.

Aub:
bite it

Ashley:
well they are

My favorite part? How she has to tell me “don’t Google it”.

She knows me well.

“AUBREY, DON’T BREED THAT RABBIT. I DON’T THINK YOU SHOULD BE RAISING RABBITS IN THE BACKYARD” click.

Grams, the one and only Grams, had went from being the first to say, “catch it and breed it” to something along the lines of  “I’ll take you off the will if you do”. There are ups and downs to living with someone that I believe to be bipolar my friends, ups and downs (did I just crack a joke? I think I did. . .)

I felt heartbroken with my desire for tiny, soft cuddly baby rabbits, also called “kits”, and I began to question my desire to even catch the female in the first place. Let the dang thing eat my tomatoes. I hope it goes back home, so I don’t have to chose between dumping it on mom, or the humane society. Either way, Nameless is my responsibility now.

One and a half tomato plants down, six more to go. I was running out of time and options. So far, Nameless had resisted arrest, defiled AubMo property, and stolen the heart of my main man – in rabbit form that is. She had to be dealt with. I found a fishing net at my parents house and set up my strategy. It might take a day or two, but Nameless was not going to win this one.My lucky break was after work, when I was able to sidle up close, corral her into a pen and drop the net on her. I was so excited that I almost let her get away.

On first glance, Nameless appeared to be a mottled black and gray Netherland Dwarf mix breed. A little on the thin side, but not unhealthy. First thing I did was a thorough inspection. (Random fact: Have you ever flipped a rabbit on it’s back? Did you know they go into a trance? Try it sometime. Just remember to cover their eyes first. Chickens do this same thing.) She was definitely a female, but it was hard to tell her true health from under all that fur. The children that had owned her before (using that term very loosely) had placed a tiny red cat collar around her neck. Pet Owning Mistake Number 1 – you never collar any pet that you let wander outside, especially a rabbit. They are children, so they are forgiven.

After taking that off, I started combing her. It was a slow process, because the brush was only getting little tufts here, a wisp of fur there. Not very effective. After a few good tussles with the comb I realize  – she’s not gray at all. She’s coal black. Black as pitch. Black as the night without the city lights and the stars. The gray was all the dead, clumped fur that she wasn’t able to reach and pull off, so I had to give her a hand. Want to know what “a lot of hair” off of a rabbit looks like?

That’s what a lot of fur looks like – of the fur I could manage to keep from sticking to my pant leg, my shirts and even my face anyway.

Here is the comb for a comparison. Still don’t believe how massive this pile of fur is?

That is my foot – size 8 1/2 and not at all dainty or little. Please don’t mind the absence of nail polish. I had the polish in my hand earlier, cap undone and ready to paint,  and I got lazy and changed my mind. It’s an Aubrey thing.

To recap, the before:

After a mani/pedi, wet hand bath, and serious plucking of the fur:

See? Black. Blackity black black black.

Shiny little blacky. As dark as the bottom of my heart. Okay, I think you get it. Seriously. Don’t listen to me.

And just for your amusement. . .I apparently own deamons. I honestly don’t know what that blob of light is. A ghost? An apparition? Wayward streetlight? Help me here. Apologies for the drab and dreariness of this photo – apparently the rabbit didn’t get the memo that she needed to be caught, cleaned and in her cage by curfew in order for me to get pictures in good lighting.

Rabbits. They never learn, do they?