The Sick and Wrong Family Heirlooms
A PACKAGE WAS WAITING FOR ME ON MY PORCH TODAY WHEN I GOT HOME.
But I’ll give you a hint: it wasn’t Ramen.
There were three little jars.
And a note.
It reads:
Aub –
Aftermath of an elk abortion : ) One is an antelope. Read on the lids.
Don’t want them back.
Best Gram
You read that right. In the jars, preserved and floating around in alcohol were three tiny animal babies. I know I blog about Grams a lot – the one that I live with. But my dad’s mom should also get some recognition. The conversations I have with her are hilarious and always worthy of their own separate posts. We butter each other up and tell each other that we’re the best and we’re each others’ favorites. (Which we pretty much are).
But the conversation we had last Saturday takes the cake. It was one of those rare moments when I wasn’t with Kevin – which means I was a lost puppy and wandered over to my moms house for comfort.
And to eat her food.
Which in turn makes Machelle mad and makes both Mom and Dad tell her how I’m a guest in their house and can eat all the Doritos I want.
And I do.
So I’m sitting there stuffing my face and gloating in Machelle’s general direction when “Grandma B” shows up. And I don’t know what got us talking about it, but she brought up the fact that she put in for a Moose tag this season.
“I didn’t know you hunt!!” I blabbed.
“Oh of course I hunt, I even have a baby elk that I preserved in alcohol from one of the first elks I shot.”
“Grandma, that’s gross. That’s blog worthy!! I’m going to come to your house and photograph it and post it on my blog. “
But she trumped me. “I’ll give it to you! I’ll leave it on your porch. So if you ever see a little freaky, dead thing in a jar on your steps just know it’s from me. Treasure it – I’ve spent many years freaking people out with that.”
And I can see why.
They have ribs.
They have creepy caved-in heads. And the top of this jar said it was from ’89 – which means it’s been dead for as long as I’ve been alive.
And this baby elk has hooves and a mouth.
But the oddest of the bunch has to be the antelope.
It was just so developed. from the split hooves to the lungs, ribs, eyes right to the tiny little tail. Now before you think my Grandma B is some heartless baby mammal killer, you should know she had a permit to kill these animals, which means that the babies would have died regardless of if she’d have kept them or not. And you should also know that they used the meat for steaks and it didn’t go to waste.
But they’re still creepy.
After I took some photos I ran the box upstairs and showed Grams. Her reaction was along the lines of, “what the hell!?” and “there’s the garbage outside”.
But I’m not throwing them out. They are a family heirloom that will be scaring kids for generations to come.
Thank you Grandma B.
PS I claim your buffalo head you have hanging on your wall.
Just kidding.
I don’t think I could sleep with that in my house.
eew, I knew that I should not have clicked on the link. no offense to your fab blog, I just don’t the stomach for it right now. LOL.
are you kidding me?
Funniest post I have ever read.
Your grandma is the best. by far.
seriously… the best. period. the end.
maybe I will come back tomorrow and reread it so I can really comment. I am half asleep, but there is no way this post could go without comment.
Aubs, you are beyond cool.
Oh my H!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I would die if I found something like that on my porch! LOL! Hey, I thought I was her favorite-and all this time she’s been cheating on me with you.
Don’t you just love gram? She’s the best!!
Oops sorry Evonne, I forgot to put a disclaimer on it! You should look at the latest post, I promise it’s not gross – matter of fact it’s kind of adorable.
Kam: Your comment cracked me up. I can’t wait to see what else you have to say about it, because you are hilarious.
Jackie: Something tells me she has a lot of favorites! She just cracks me up. I was laughing so hard when I found them. They’re currently in the laundry room because I don’t have the heart (guts, lungs, or stomach) to set them on my mantle.
Aubrey,
I’m seriously dying of laughter!!! I need the ROFL emoticon for this!! What’s that phrase? One man’s junk is another man’s…dead critter? Oh boy, I just can’t stop laughing. You’ve just gotta leave this to someone in your will, really.
What a memorable post!
I am so glad you inherited these, rather than myself! Um, I am her OLDEST and Best Grandkid, so dont even mess with the title “Best!” I wish I could’ve seen Grams face when you showed them to her!
Those are the coolest Aub!!! Wish I could see them up close. You should bring them to work.
Those babies’ anatomy is amazing. So very well developed.
Although I have to admit that if I would have found that in my porch I would have prob. screamed and maybe dropped the jars. I would have had to be prepared to receive something like that; which is weird, being that I’m surrounded with cadavers all the time at school.
Hahaha, this is so awesome! I’m just glad I ate before I read it
I figured you tell everyone they are your favorite…but I’m still your favorite Aubrey! (Remember how you used to call me Aubus? I still laugh about that).
Aubrey-That has to be one of the sickest I mean coolest posts ever. I would love to have Thanksgiving with your family, but I will bring the Turkey on the slim chance that if not I might be eating meat from one of those dead animals your grandma smacked around out in the high desert. Love it!!!
I am finally getting to the fetal elk post. You are the biggest crack up Aub. I love how you explain things. These are just as mortifying as the last time I saw them about 8 years ago or so. I think since I have my own little fetal alien in utero this just adds a whole new dimension to these creatures. Yuck! Mother you are insane and hilarious!
I think I just threw up a little.
Oh thank you for putting this in your Review post.
Oh goodness.