Two Weeks From Twenty

I’M SITTING AT MY DESK AND REFLECTING ON THE PAST SEVEN YEARS. I’m two weeks from Twenty. Two weeks away from not being a teenager anymore, and I’m not sure how I feel about this. My teen years were by far my most influential years and I’ve learned a lot from them.

The smell of  the dew-moistened grass this morning had me thinking I miss living with my parents. I miss waking up in the morning to a house full of sisters, with all of us scrambling to get ready in the only bathroom. I miss dad bringing me home McDonald’s for breakfast, and having him drop me off at school. I miss the long conversations mom and I used to have late at night. I miss arguing with Machelle over silly things, adventuring Ashley, hanging out with Sam.

I miss the indescribable feeling you get on the first day of school, when you’re decked out in new clothes and you walk with a lighter spring in your step. I miss going to class (and ditching class for that matter). I miss having friends you can pour your heart out to about your crush, and they’ll analyse every word he’s ever said to you. I miss the gossip and all the juicy drama that can be found within those scholastic walls. I miss passing notes and the sound of the bell at the end of class. I miss the library at Provo High, the smell of all those old and new books hidden in the coves of desks. I won’t forget all the good times I had, all the lessons I learned, all the memories I shared as a graduate of ’07.

I miss a lot of things.

I  also regret a lot of things.

Skipping class. Not taking certain classes, like leaving choir even when it broke my heart to do so. Failing most of ninth and tenth grade, and having to make it up in my junior and senior year. I regret dating exclusively now, because high school romances are so silly and I would’ve grown more as a person if I would have gone out with more people. I regret letting my close friends gradually go and becoming a bad friend. I regret not signing right up for college, and still not being enrolled. I feel like I’ve let myself down in that regard.

It’s times like this, when I get this homesickness for the innocence and purity of my teen years, that I have to remind myself of all the good things I have going on now.

I have a great family.  I can push any number on my speed dial and find someone to spend time with. I’m never bored or lonely. My parents have taught me the difference between right and wrong, they’ve always been there to help me in a tough spot and to celebrate my accomplishments with me. My sisters and I each have a special bond. Ashley is my rock, whom I can always talk to and find something in common with. She’s my inspiration to go to college, hold a good job and follow in her footsteps. Sam is the one I go to when I want to have a crazy fun time, driving around  town with the windows down and the music up. Machelle is my best little sister who is always game for going places. We may fight like crazy in front of people, but when its just the two of us, we get along so well.  My sisters have married some awesome guys that have even more awesome offspring. I consider all of them my real nieces and nephews, blood related or no.

My Grandmothers. I couldn’t do without them. My beautiful, outgoing and amazing Grandma B (as we call her) is always telling me that I’m on the right path. Somehow she can always sense when I need her words of encouragement. I love you Grandma! My other Grandma, or Grams as I call her, has graciously let me live in her basement and because of this we’ve become best friends. I’ve learned a lot about her that I didn’t know. She has this certain sass about her that I get a kick out of, and she has some of the funniest stories I have ever heard in my life.

I have a great, steady job that has taught me many things – communication skills, search engine optimization, teamwork – the list goes on. My job offers me challenges that I’m not so sure that I can accomplish, and I like that. It pushes me to do better, be better, work harder than I ever have  before.

I have better friends now than I did in high school. Marci, Margo and Kamie are three of the greatest gals you could ever ask for, whether it be as coworkers, friends, or online buddies. Our conversations range from funny and sarcastic to serious and deep.

Finally there is me.

No matter how I feel about myself, I have to look at the good. I stayed away from drugs, drinking and all that other garbage that the world is consumed in. I try to be a good friend, a good sister, a good daughter and grand daughter. I always want to make people smile and laugh, and I always have a new plan to take my life one step further. Yes, I am being cocky, but just think of this as my online journal, and this is a time I don’t want to forget. I have to appreciate myself to be happy. I’m living on my own, paying for my own bills (although rent and car insurance is cheap. Thank you mom/grams) and eating my own food. I go where I want, when I want and I have to make my own choices.

Sometimes I see other peoples lives and I feel envious. I wish my life were that simple, I wish I had things in order like they do. Not just the clothes, the perfect house, etc etc, but their apparent peace of mind. I want to know what I want out of this life, like they seem to know about theirs.

I have to remind myself that I chose to be me for a reason. I must have felt drawn to something about my character, my personality, my sarcasm – something. Be it what it may, when I realize that I chose this life it reminds me that I have a certain destiny to live up to. I didn’t chose to become AubreyMo and be a failure. I didn’t chose to be me just to be a couch potato, or a dreamer that never chased those dreams.

I feel that I have to live up to my potential, starting now. Twenty seems like the perfect age to do it. A new age, a new page in my life.

Just like the lyrics of the song 100 Years by Five For Fighting,

“there’s still time for you
Time to buy and time to lose
there’s never a wish better than this
When you only got 100 years to live”