WE HAD A SWING SET IN THE BACKYARD GROWING UP. And I think out of all us girls, I appreciated it the most. My special spot was right up on the top – the one spot kids normally shouldn’t climb to. If I were stressed, worried, or upset I’d run outside, climb my way up to the top and perch like a cat for hours. I felt invincible there, like nothing on this Earth could touch me. I pondered things a lot from my roost.

As I sat last April on a Hoodoo in Bryce Canyon, I had that same reflective feeling. I never could have guessed that I’d grow up this way.  But who ever does? Is there ever a point that you think, “that happened just as I planned when I was 10″? I never would have thought I’d be the person I am today, surrounded by the people that I love most, doing a job I enjoy. I’m glad things didn’t turn out as I’d expected.

There is a lot I don’t blog about. Breakups* are one of them. I want my blog to be an escape for the reader as well as myself. But there are times when I don’t have something cute, or funny, or exciting to post about, and all I need to do is just write out how I’m really feeling. The snippet below is from one of those times, on September 18th, about a month before I’d broken up with Dale.

What I wouldn’t give to be able to walk away from problems and issues. To be able to say, “I’m done” and leave, pick up a new life and move on. Some days I want that. I was upstairs with Grams when we had a long talk about the reasons why I’m okay with NOT being married right now (after dating for two years).

“I like my freedom,” I defended quite confidently.

“What freedom? Freedom my dear, is the ability to pack up and go, to hitch hike to Wyoming, to do whatever you feel when you feel it! What you have is not freedom. Sure, you might have a degree of it, but you’re not truly free. You’re bound by obligations – work, school, Dale. You don’t take the time to let yourself be free.”

It was that instant, when her eighty year old eyes locked onto mine with the fire of someone young at heart, with the passion of someone who knows the value of life, and with the urgency to instill a thousand meanings at once, that I realized she was right.

I’m not an accomplished person, you see.

I’ve failed myself.

And although it felt better to write that out, I never did post it. It didn’t belong on my happy little blog. But it’s not the words that didn’t belong, it’s the feeling of unhappiness and disappointment that accompanied it, that created it. I was not a happy person.

So why now? Why would I share something so deep, so personal and from so far back?

I want to remind myself to be this girl.

The girl who can learn from others, and not stress, and not worry about things. I want to live life and take the time to appreciate everything I have been given. I am so very very blessed and I don’t want to take that for granted. I tend to stress too much, whine when I have no need, get frustrated too easily, give up to fast. And you know what? Life is just too short.

So I encourage you to go.

Climb Hoodoos. They are great for reflecting.

Just remember, it’s easier to climb up if you’re looking forward with anticipation and not back with regrets.

*Post Note: No I am not/will not/have not broken up with Kevin. We are doing great, he is included in the “surrounded by people I love” part and he’s one of the many blessings I count in my life every day, along with having amazing immediate family (Ash and Aspen, as well as the other 3/4ths of my family who don’t read this blog), amazing extended family (Grandma B and Rach, you are awesome, thank you for always reading and commenting), great friends (shout out to Kamie) and a good dog who is currently sleeping on my lap. Thank you to every single one of you, family, friends, blog friends. Thank you for making me who I am today, and for encouraging me to be whoever I may want to be tomorrow.